Thoughts at the Beach
I've been wondering for a long time why it happened that I started my trip (which was actually planned for summer 2021) a year and a half later and alone instead of with Michi.
Why now?
After all, I've been on the road so much in the last few months and have rarely been able to rest. And now, so shortly before the launch of my website and the start of my studies, actually in the middle of the hustle and bustle of my life, in the middle of the most exciting time of the last few years …
I'm slowly realizing that, like everything else in life, it had to happen that way.
Or maybe it's not so much about what life has in store for us as it is about how willing we are to embrace it and trust that it's right.
No matter how painful the experience, somehow everything has fit into the big picture of my life so far.
And so does this trip.
The crowning glory of my last three years with myself.
The last few years have stirred up so much in me that had never been stirred up before, and in between I could hardly see through all the fog where I am and where I want to go. But bit by bit, everything has slowly found its place in my new world.
I feel like I'm about to be reborn.
The beginning of a truly authentic Emma life.
And now I'm here alone at this place, that is so important to me, and it feels like the last pieces of the puzzle are finding their place. It feels like gathering strength and deep rest for all the beautiful hustle and bustle that is now waiting for me at home.
It feels like finding peace and forgiveness. Finally, forgiving myself from 3 years ago for almost letting life knock her down and finding peace with myself and everything that was not in my control. It feels like a final farewell to people who were in my life then and aren't anymore, and infinite gratitude for the people who have come into my life since then.
And just like that, I notice that in the last few years, as painful as it was sometimes, I have learned to be alone. That I have developed a deep friendship with myself and that this is probably the most precious, profound and honest friendship I have ever had and will have.
I thought that when I came back here, I would mourn the time I had here and the person I was. But instead I just feel gratitude and peace.
Gratitude for my time here back then, and also for being able to experience the place in a completely different way now.
Gratitude for my perception then and for all the additional awareness that has arisen since.
Peace with the Emma I was and the Emma I am today.
I'll get a little bit closer to myself with every year of my life and hopefully learn something new every year, but I feel like the last three years have brought me light years further along this path.
Now, right here and at this moment, I'm closer to myself than I have ever been.